Adios Boys!

Malcolm thought about what it would be like in heaven, on that day when he could cross the river separating the Orthodox from the Catholics. He wrote a little story about it.

“I’m going boys.”
“We want to go with you.”
“But you can’t boys. This ache was mine. The reward is mine, too.”
“But how will you cross?”
“By the cross, my boys. The HMS Stuaron is sailing tonight and I paid for my ticket. I’ll tell you what it’s like over there, if I ever come back.”
“Promise you’ll come back, Malcolm.”
“I promise. And promise me you won’t miss me.”
“We’ll miss you Malcolm, but you know we won’t hurt for a moment.”
“I know, boys. I know. Have I ever told you the story of the day Ellie gave birth to her first child?”
“You’ve told the story, Malcolm, but if it’ll keep you here for a little longer, tell it again.”
“Well, allright boys, but only the short version. I can hear the captain calling, and I can smell the flowers on the other side. Her and Jim had been putting it off for too long, and Ellie wasn’t sure she could get pregnant. But, when she did, her and Jim went out for ice cream. Now, you all know what a fight is, right?”
“We knew once. Tell us again.”
“Well, a fight is when two people love each other too much to be nice. That’s what happened that night when Jim and Ellie got ice cream to celebrate the new little life in her. The fight started when Ellie remarked on being lactose intolerant and that it might hurt the baby if she had too much. Jim had been working so hard to keep Ellie happy, and he wanted a little bit of joy without any worry. He wanted to be up here for a minute and he thought Ellie didn’t want to, or the devil made him think it. But, deep down he knew that she did want to. But, as it tends to go on earth, he went about it all wrong. They fought about ice cream, but it was really about God, see? Well, that new little life in Ellie didn’t mind the ice cream, but the fighting made it feel funny. It got all weak and didn’t want to come out: can’t blame him, can we boys?
“You said it!”
“Anyway, the day that baby was born, it almost didn’t make it. But Ellie looked at Jim, and Jim looked at Ellie, and they just knew that whether the baby made it or not, they were gonna get through it together. See, God and that baby, George was his name, God and that baby used Jim’s mistake to make love stronger.”
“Stop it Malcolm, you’re gonna make us remember how to cry.”
“Aw shucks, boys, tears ain’t nothing but liquid joy. You know that. Take care now, the wind’s gonna be blowin’ hard over here for a bit, and you might hear a little gunplay on the water, but don’t be scared. I hear the Metropolitan and his crew are having a little fun with that new pirate ship they got. Word around the campfire is, they aim to stop me. But we know how that’s gonna go, don’t we boys?”
“Malcolm 1, Clergy 0”.
“Couldn’t-a said it better myself. Adios.”

Excerpted from Life As It Stands And Has Been Standing Since Before The World Was Made: A Prosopography of Minnesota by Samson Swedenmusser