Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Trick or Treat From Your Neighborhood Crank!

When I was a kid Halloween was my second favorite holiday after Thanksgiving. Now that I eat as much candy as I want to whenever I want to, Halloween just isn't that great. It might be more fun for me if I got invited to Halloween parties, but I doubt it. Nothing ruins a buzz like some dork thinking he's funny for wearing an eye-patch and talking like a pirate. And forget ironic and obscure costumes; the point of dressing up is not to be funny. The point is to pretend for a little bit that you actually are a cowboy or a vampire or whatever. Let's face it, we're just too old to pretend.

Also, I hated it when the person answering the door would ask, "What are you dressed as?", when it was quite obvious what I was supposed to be. It's like "Lady, just give me the candy and let me get to the next house." I was a crank even back then.

Happy Halloween!

Yes!

http://www.cutsinger.net/wordpress2/?p=79

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

No More Unmitigated Nonsense.

I'm lucky enough to see Ben at least once a week, so I won't be jonesing too bad for the wisdom and virtue that are clearly manifest in his writing. For those of you who rely on Unmitigated for your weekly dose of level-headedness, I have a plan to get B-Love blogging again. Everytime you get the urge to click on Ben's blog, call him at his house instead. If you don't have his number I'll give it to you if you e-mail me. He'll be back to blogging in no time.

Why, Ben, Why?!!!

Friday, October 26, 2007

A Gay Wizard?!

Three Reasons Why Wizards Can't Be Gay or Straight
(1) Wizards don't fall in love.
Wizards aren't interested in being in love. It's true that insofar as love is a spiritual force that creates and governs the universe, Wizards are interested in it. But no Wizard worth his salt would be so vulnerable as to fall under the control of the force he is trying to master. As Gandalf said (paraphrase): "Wizards cannot destroy something in order to understand it". Isn't "destroying to understand" a definition of romantic love?
(2) Wizards are, technically speaking, not human.
Wizards are somewhere between angels and men. In a way, they are a parody of the Incarnation because they are a sort of fusing together of the human and Divine in an unstable mixture. They may act like they can love like other men, but it's just a show for purposes of concealment or to gain control over another person.
(3) Niether gay men nor straight women like long beards.
Even supposing a wizard did fall in love, he wouldn't be able to find a partner unless he shaved. If he shaved, he would lose all his power.

Therefore, if Dumbledore is gay he is not a Wizard. If he is straight he is not a Wizard either. It's as if J.K. Rowling didn't know anything about magic!

Sunday, October 21, 2007

I'm Still Blogging!

Dirt and water, when mixed, make mud.
Dry mud is just dirt with a past.
Dirt blows away in a strong enough gust.
It takes water to make a soul last.

To keep from drowning, you'd best get a boat.
To have a boat you've got to have wood.
To have wood some trees have got to be grown.
To have trees you'll need dirt under foot.

Once you've scouted for trees that are sound,
Your body will be dried up by dust.
When washing you'll need to make sure you don't drown.
I hear tell that a foot-bath's enough.

Once you're all clean you can finish your boat.
With a boat you'll be ready to sail.
The wind knows the best moment to take you away.
It won't blow 'til you're sure that you've failed.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Dorothy Parker!

The Burned Child

Love has had his way with me.
Thus my heart is torn and maimed.
Since he took his play with me.
Cruel well the bow-boy aimed,

Shot and saw the feathered shaft
Dripping bright and bitter red.
He that shrugged his wings and laughed-
Better had he left me dead.

Sweet, why do you plead me, then,
Who have bled me so sore of that?
Could I bear it once again?...
Drop a hat, dear, drop a hat!

-Dorothy Parker

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Flea Market Montgomery - Long Version!

This one's for you J-dog!

The Raspberries - Go all the way

That's what the lead singer looks like?! Oh my word!

Monday, October 8, 2007

Something I Want To Understand Better!

What are we supposed to pay attention to in church?
In church I'll stare at icons for a little bit, then I'll reflect on the words of the liturgy, then I'll look at the little kids goofing off, then I'll think about what the rest of the day will be like, then I'll close my eyes and start to pray, then I'll open them and look at my watch, and so on and so on. I feel like I'm missing the point and getting few tangible results besides warm feelings. Is there a stable point in me that I can latch onto so as not to get swept away by all the activity? I suppose I could just watch myself not concentrating and this would be a form of concentration, but then I reproach myself for not paying attention to the sights, smells, sounds of the liturgy. I have heard it suggested that, since we have little control over the quality of our concentration when we pray, we should instead attend to the quality of our intentions. While we, as we are, can't will to love God, we can intend to love God. So, while in church we should try to ferret out the real reason why we're there. There are good reasons, and bad reasons, but the good reasons are always deeper. A desire to escape hell is deeper than a desire to pretend we are saints. A desire to see, smell and taste divinity is deeper than the desire to simply watch a pretty service. A desire to know the Truth is deeper than any questions we may have during the service. I need to do some experimenting to see if this is useful thinking.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

Saturday, October 6, 2007

Things I Want To Do/Have Happen to Me!

(1) Wander around the country on foot, visiting Orthodox churches and monasteries.
(2) Strike terror into the hearts of enemies by galloping toward them on a horse while brandishing a sword, spear, mace, or other old-timey weapon. Then, with blood on my weapon, I would like to rear up on the horse and yell as the surviving enemies flee. If there's a princess around, it would be great, but not integral to the awesomeness of the moment, if she threw me her kerchief, or whatever it's called.
(3) Quit smoking for good.
(4) Through a strange series of events be charged with the care of an orphan.
(5) Be telling a story at a bar in front of a large group of young women who, for the most part, don't like me, and, through the magic of my words, render the prettiest woman so overcome with love that she jumps up and kisses me on the lips while I'm in mid-sentence. I would accept the kiss, without kissing back, and then pull her gently away and guide her back to her seat. Then, looking over the stunned, blushing group, I would smile and say, "And I haven't even gotten to the best part." The girls would be fanning themselves now and not quite sure how they feel about me. Then my date, who is prettier than all of them, would show up, give me a kiss on the cheek and lead me to our table where I would drink a lot of beer.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

I Am So Into You!

Do you like Cary Grant and The Atlanta Rhythm Section? Well, sir, it's your lucky day!

Fun With Poetry!

I love a girl who's just like you.
She has the same hair and eyes;
The same dimples and smile,
The same name too.
In fact, she's exactly your size.

The only thing different,
As far as I can see,
Is that she loves me too,
And is imaginary.

Truth!

"Many people imagine that purgatory or hell are for those who have killed, stolen, lied, committed fornication, and so on and that it suffices to have abstained from these actions to merit Heaven; in reality the soul is consigned to the flames for not having loved God or for not having loved Him enough; this can be understood if we recall the supreme Law of the Bible: to love God with all our faculties and all our being. The absence of this love does not necessarily involve murder or lying or some other transgression, but it does necessarily involve indifference; and indifference, which is the most generally widespread of faults, is the very hallmark of the fall. It is possible for the indifferent not to be criminals, but it is impossible for them to be saints; it is they who go in by the 'wide gate' and follow the 'broad way'...

"Even believers themselves are for the most part too indifferent to feel concretely that God is not only 'above' us 'in Heaven', but also 'ahead' of us, at the end of the world or even simply at the end of our life; that we are drawn through life by an inexorable force and that at the end of the course God awaits us; that the world will be submerged and swallowed up one day by an unimaginable irruption of the purely miraculous-unimaginable because surpassing all human experiences and standards of measurement....There will be nothing but this one advent, this one presence, and by it the world of experiences will be shattered."
-FS

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Boo To The Central Branch!


"The so-called 'avant garde' architecture of our epoch lays claim to being 'functional', but it is so only in part and in a wholly exterior and superficial way, since it ignores functions that are not material or practical; it excludes two elements essential to human art, namely symbolism, which is as strict as truth, and a joy at once contemplative and creative, which is as gratuitous as grace. A purely utilitarian 'functionalism' is perfectly inhuman in both its premises and its results, for man is not exclusively a greedy and cunning creature: he is not meant to be comfortable inside the mechanism of a clock."
-Frithjof Schuon

For any Minnesotans who would like to experience the feeling of being 'inside the mechanism of a clock', I recommend that you spend a few minutes inside the recently built library in downtown Minneapolis.

Monday, October 1, 2007

Rules for Love!

Malcolm’s rules for love:

(1) Movement and love go together more easily than stasis and love.
Sex,the proper activity of love, is a movement, not a state, so being in love is a movement. This is why knowing how to dance and being around music is important-also, alcohol, which is like energy in a bottle. Women do not want to sit and talk! If you are sitting for too long, the date is not going well. Keep moving! Also, it will not be impressive that you took her to a museum-any guy can do that. You have to know how to move through the museum in an impressive way.

(2) The static aspects of love should be opaque.
Poetry, which is the food of love, is static in that it is written down, but it compensates for this by being the least clear version of the written word. When sharing thoughts with women, the key is to be unclear in a mysterious poetic manner-hint at hidden depths. Also, go to restaurants where the menu is not easily pronounced. The point is to make food seem more mysterious than it is.

(3) Romance is the act of making the future less clear to women.
Women see more clearly than you what your married life will be like. It hangs over every conversation. Remember: the curtains have already been picked out! You are going to be wrong for them in important ways. Romance is the ability to make that bad picture more hazy in their mind. Not by lying, of course, but by putting a slight twist to everything. They will not believe you if you try to hint that you will stop throwing clothes on the floor or do more dishes. What you need to do is make them feel guilty for wanting you to do such things. Every woman is traditional at heart: there will be some way to turn her to thinking about her inadequacies instead of yours.

(4) Your feelings are more important to you than hers are to her or than yours are to her.
She has been trained from a young age to bridle her feelings for the sake of chastity. You have been taught to act on your feelings: to be a stud. The result is that she does not trust her feelings like you do. That is why it is not important to get her to want to sleep with you. In fact, if she feels those things, she may even begin to resent feeling that way in the morning-even if you didn’t try to sleep with her. So, when dancing, talk. This will add an intellectual tint to her sexual feelings and make her trust them more. Also, do not rely too much on poetry: your words affect you more than they affect her. The main point of the poem is to show that you actually do something sensitive in your off-hours: it means you will be a good dad, but that’s usually all it means to her. Unless she is literary, then it will tie into making the future hazy (rule four): if your poetry is good enough she might begin to entertain the notion that you will be a moderately successful published writer: not much money, but it’s got the mystique!